Vaughan is my best friend. Period! And if you know us, then you know it’s true. Anyone who has been around us knows how much we love each other AND how much fun we have together. It doesn’t hurt that he is the funniest person I have ever met. Sometimes we find ourselves cracking each other up only to realize we are the only ones laughing… A lot of people don’t get our jokes or what we think is so hilarious all the time, but that just makes our world that much more perfect.
I was reflecting on our relationship today and decided to share what was one my turning points early on when dating Vaughan. If you’ve heard this story (which if you’re a close friend, you probably have) well then, you’ll just have to hear it again. 🙂
We are so fortunate that the universe threw us together when it did. We were both moving out of relationships that weren’t working for us and each (independently) were working on ourselves. Vaughan had been seeing Bob (our life coach and the one who married us) for a while and I decided that I would utilize his services as well. One of my biggest lessons was from Bob. Actually MOST of my lessons that have positively impacted our relationship and myself have come from Bob. But I promise, I’ll just stick to 1 story for this post.
Vaughan and I had been in some sort of argument before this particular session with Bob. I can’t remember what it was about but I do remember I had overreacted and was mostly in the wrong (notice I said mostly, trust me, that is as close to admitting fault as I get). LOL Actually, I probably was completely wrong, but that’s besides the point. What I remember is that I was really upset about something and in my own way had try to make Vaughan “pay” for it. Ladies, you know all about this. We all do it. Sometimes we make them pay by not talking to them for a week.. Or laying guilt trips, biting, or whatever the action may be. But whatever it was I do remember being really upset and biting and snapping at him about it.
During one of Vaughan’s sessions with Bob (which was a day prior to mine) he had spoken to him about the situation. And the reason I knew this, is because Bob actually brought it up to me during my session. The thing with Bob is that he gets to know your boundaries, and with us, he knew that it was ok to do what he needed to in order to help us with our relationship. Sometimes that meant sharing the conversations with us that he had with the other. We were both seeing him to be better, be happier, have a better relationship… Just to be. And Bob never has any judgement, his sole purpose with each of us is to help us on our path. So… this is where I learned one of my first big lessons from him.
Bob and I had rehashed how Vaughan and I had treated each other regarding this fight. Again, I don’t remember the conversation but I know it wasn’t about the details or who’s right or wrong… It’s never like that with Bob cause that stuff just doesn’t matter. In the end, it’s about how we treat each other and ourselves. And I remember Bob saying,”It’s never ok for our partner not to feel safe when they come home.” That’s it. That was my lesson. Those words, to this day, for me, have made such a huge difference in how I treat Vaughan. When Bob told me that, I stopped and thought, oh my god, it wasn’t safe for Vaughan to come home because whatever it was that I was upset about, how I had reacted was wrong. I had attacked him as soon as he walked through the door and it was no longer safe for him.
You see, our home is the most sacred place in our world. It’s the place where we spend most of our time, can be away from the rest of the world, with each other. It’s our creation, our energy, and our intimacy. Our home is a space that is sacred to us because it is ours and ours alone. If we can’t feel safe at home, then where else would we be able too? It needs to be the place that we can go too to shut out the rest of the world and find our peace. That day, when I bit at Vaughan as soon as he crossed that threshold, I broke the sanctity of our home. I realized when Bob told me those words that I made it unsafe for Vaughan to walk through that door. That moment, I made the conscious decision to never do that again. I can disagree with Vaughan but I can NEVER make him feel as though it is unsafe to come home.
That lessen has impacted me more than any other lesson I have learned. Sure there are times that I get upset. But I now tell him that I need 5 minutes, walk away and recenter myself, so that I can talk to him and not go over the edge. Because there is never a reason to fight and that lesson has become my awareness that centers me when I do feel myself getting upset. Because I can honestly say, that because I am in a relationship where we respect and honor each other, there is never anything to get mad about. I may get upset about decisions that are made or situations that may occur, but I know, more than anything that Vaughan loves me and would never want to hurt me. And that is all I need.